Hattie Best Polk: A Letter For My Granddaughter on Her Wedding Day

This is not the only stand I have taken for freedom in my lifetime. I have always been a champion for those in our society who are not treated equally. I worked diligently, often at great personal sacrifice, for racial justice, and I marched in Ireland’s International Women’s March for Peace, but I never dreamed where this would ultimately lead me.

            Several years ago, when a group in my church began actively seeking to become part of a Reconciling Congregation, I was eager to participate. We sat around a table lighted with a candle and shared our stories. I was deeply moved by the emotional experiences of some when telling that although they had worked in the church all of their lives and brought up their children in the church, now, because of the sexual orientation of their children, the church had hurt them deeply, turning its back on their children. They were no longer welcome.

            At that time, I did not know of any family members who fit into this category, but I felt deep compassion for those who did. Then, one day several years later, my telephone rang. It was my precious and only granddaughter, asking to visit me. Over lunch she turned to me and with tears in her eyes, said, “Nana, what would you say if I told you I was gay?”

            Now, my beloved friends, it is one thing to fight for justice and acceptance for all gays and others in the LBGT community in general, but it’s quite another thing to discover that all includes even my beloved granddaughter. I remembered the spirit of love, acceptance, and compassion Jesus teaches us to have for all of his children. Jesus goes on to say, “I came to bring the abundant life to all,” not just some.

            Then a year later, again my phone rang, and I learned of the upcoming marriage of my beautiful, gifted granddaughter. I was thrilled, for I firmly believe that God had been preparing me for this happy day all along. I hurried upstairs, picked up the small white Bible I had carried as a young bride in 1945 and had lovingly prepared to give to her on her wedding day, along with a tiny, beautifully painted box with a young girl standing by a lake overlooking a magnificent rainbow. A note on the box said, “For Hannah on her wedding day.”

            On November 15, 2013, I journeyed to New York City to witness two hearts bound in love, into one life. My only sadness is that the wedding ceremony could not be performed by her grandfather in the United Methodist Church that had baptized, nurtured, and shaped my granddaughter into the amazing and beautiful person she is today.

            May that day come soon for others like Hannah.

Matt Holmes: The Welcoming Place Christ Wants Our Church To Be

In my personal life and in my work as a physician, I have met many gay and lesbian men and women. It is clear to me that sexuality and sexual orientation is not a choice, but a central part of our being that we come to know as we grow into our adolescence and adulthood. I have watched and witnessed, especially in my work as a psychiatrist, the suffering and fear experienced by gay and lesbian people who have been rejected in our society. I have seen them disowned from families. I am aware that this is a major part of our nation’s problem of bullying. Many have died by suicide as a result of this rejection by families and society. It pains me that many Christians and Christian churches are complicit in this suffering. This is not God’s direction for us; to cause the suffering of others is not part of Christ’s teaching. The interpretation that homosexuality is a sin is as grave an error as using verses in the Bible to justify slavery.

I was raised a Methodist, and for my faith and spiritual development I owe so much to the church, my peers, and my mentors. I want my children to have the same opportunity. Our church has so many gifted leaders who provide a safe and loving community for our children to grow up in. I drifted away from the church in the years before I had children. I struggled not with my faith but around whether to return to a church that has a discriminatory stance towards my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. How could I participate in an organization that does nothing to stop the pain that so many people I know suffer? After much prayer, meditation, and discussion with those I love, I decided that it was more important to return to my church to give my children the opportunities for growth in their faith that I had.

Equally important to me was to be a part of a movement in Methodism to become a truly welcoming place as I know Christ wants us to be. I want our children to be welcome and to participate fully in the church without fear of judgment, discrimination, and rejection. Ours is God’s house—let our church be a leader in making the United Methodist Church a truly welcoming, open, and loving community of faith. 

William Johnson Everett: Grace Enfolds Us All

Why am I involved in promoting a reconciling conversation that embraces people of all gender identities and sexual orientations in the full life of the church and of our society? This is not a work I would have imagined without a long development in my own life. It is a product of life experience, fundamental convictions, professional involvements, and theological reflection.

Over the years I have had friends, students, and colleagues whose lives have been injured, slighted, and excluded because something was “not quite right” about them. Their many gifts for church and society have not been recognized or, as so frequently happens, have been exploited while their own identity was denied.

Many years ago I went through a divorce. The person who was my closest spiritual friend in this passage was a Catholic priest whose sensitivity, wisdom, and compassion enabled me to reach solid and deeper ground. At that time he himself came to the conclusion that he was an alcoholic and needed to enter treatment. In subsequent years he told me how he had managed to live out his extraordinary ministry as a gay man in a church that rejects his “orientation.” My life has been deepened immensely by his singular counsel and friendship.

My own life struggle to find a true companionship in marriage has led me to try to cultivate a world in which everyone can find this deep companionship with another human being that is compatible not only with their sexual constitution but with their hopes and faith in a loving Creator.

Experiences like this and many others over the years have deepened my conviction that the grace crystallized in the life of Jesus seeks to enfold all of us regardless of our biology, circumstance, or ancestry. The way we are created as sexual beings is also perfected, to use Thomas Aquinas’s term, by the gracious love of God in Jesus. Our life is validated in our love of our Creator and of the creatures flowing from the Creator’s love.

This grace extends to the way we conceive of our ordering together in political as well as ecclesial life. That is why I have tried to move us from organization, worship symbols, and theology rooted in images of patriarchal monarchy to a life shaped by our equality around the table where Christ’s gracious spirit presides. It is the essence of this Spirit to bring all to the table. Thus the task of reconciliation is intimately tied to our effort to overcome our hitherto “natural” separations of race, gender, or sexual orientation. 

Charlie and Dianne Reeves: The Type of God We Believe In

We have had no experience with close family members or friends who are LGBT. We have not watched as someone we love suffers the hurt of rejection by the Church. Our reasons for working for an inclusive church are not as profoundly personal as those of some. Our reasons are more theological, for lack of a better word. To some extent it is partly how we read the Bible. Are there parts that spoke only to the specific time, place, culture, and people for whom they were written? And if so, what are those parts? Our reasons are also based on our concept of the type of God we believe in and worship. We choose to believe in a God of love, acceptance, and inclusion. We also believe in a God of absolute freedom and would not try to limit whom God might choose.

All are aware of the recent struggles for full inclusion in the church—African-Americans, women, etc. And, while much progress has been made in these struggles, they will, perhaps, never end in this world. But the struggle for an inclusive church is as old as the church. Much of the book of Acts deals with what might have been the first and probably the most fundamental question of inclusion in the church, whether one had to be a Jew to be a Christian. For the most part, the early church tried to exclude non-Jews. Peter did not want to visit the household of the Roman centurion Cornelius. The church in Jerusalem resisted Paul’s mission to the Gentiles, whom the Jerusalem church regarded as pagans. In doing so were they unwilling to accept those whom God had accepted? And are we doing the same when we do not welcome members of the LGBT community?

We do not claim to have any direct line to God or any special insight into what God says, wants, or thinks. In fact, we are troubled by those who profess such certain knowledge beyond any doubt. We find their arguments and even many of them unappealing. We find ourselves more drawn to those who seek a more inclusive church. While we do not claim to have all the answers and are still working on some of the questions involved, we do, in all humility, choose to stand with those who believe that God’s mercy, grace, and love includes everybody.

We would like to believe that we could simply say we welcome all, without having to list any specific groups. And we must remember that this struggle is for the sake of the whole church and not for any one group (it is about us, not about “them”). However, we are moved by the idea that many in the LGBT community and those who love them have been deeply hurt by actions of the church and strongly feel the pain of rejection by what should be their church. For this reason, we have been persuaded of the need to expressly name them and welcome them into the church.

Boyd Holliday: Warm Welcome from a Small Church

Once I was pastor to a small congregation that consisted mostly of farm families, in an area that was rapidly being surrounded by new suburbs, so some of the newcomers found our congregation and liked the friendly atmosphere.

Two young men started visiting our congregation on a fairly regular basis, and it was obvious they were a couple, sitting closely together in the service. I had no idea how the members would respond, but very quickly I saw that it did not seem to matter to anyone.

Not long after they started attending, one of the men began to get very sick. His AIDS was no longer responding to treatment. Members of the congregation brought them bread and soup and ran errands for them.

To me this incident dispels the impression that only large, urban congregations are welcoming. It can be found everywhere.

Wannie Hardin: Finding a Home in an Urban Church

It was the first week in my new appointment at First United Methodist Church in Charlotte when the secretary informed me that a young man named Bill had called and made an appointment to see me that day. When he arrived, he came into my office and introduced himself as a member of the church who had not been very active. After the typical introductory chit-chat, he said, “The reason I’ve come today is to meet you and let you know that I am gay and I have AIDS, and I want to know if you will be my pastor.”

            My previous two appointments had been in suburban churches where it seemed every family unit was a mommy and a daddy and two children. Here in the center of uptown Charlotte was my introduction to a different cultural setting and an important new kind of ministry.

            “Of course I will be your pastor!” was my immediate response. We went on to talk about his situation and his having to live back at home with his parents because of his illness, and then we prayed together. Over the coming months I hope I was able to be a pastor to him until he succumbed to the disease.

            It did not take me long to get to know many of the gay men in that congregation, each with a unique story. Many had come to Charlotte from small towns in North Carolina to work in this center of the banking industry. While they found many churches not welcoming to them, they had found in our uptown church a place they could feel comfortable and be involved in a worshipping community.

            Over the six years of my ministry in that place, I came to know and appreciate many of these individuals. On our church staff were two gay men who shared with me their stories of struggles in their lives around relationships and identity. One had been married at a young age and had fathered a son who was now an adult and from whom he was estranged.

            My wife and I had the privilege of being dinner guests in the homes of several gay couples who offered us their hospitality. A number of these gay church members assumed positions of leadership including teaching Sunday School, assisting in worship, serving on such committees as Staff-Parish and Trustees, and supervising the church kitchen.

            I came away from those six years as pastor of that congregation grateful that I had had the opportunity to come to know these children of God and realize how many gay persons are deeply spiritual and hungry for a worshipping community where they are fully accepted. I sincerely believe God’s love is inclusive of all his children who share life with us in this world. Jesus modeled that love in his acceptance of all persons, often those shunned by the society of that day.

 I want very much to be part of a church community that is truly welcoming to all persons, including those of the LGBT community who so often feel rejected by the church in many ways. Let us truly open our doors and hearts in reconciliation and be a church welcoming all persons! 

Donna Johnson: Finding My Voice

I grew up in a small town where my family was very active in our church. My parents, although relatively quiet people, modeled loudly in deeds and put their faith in action through unobtrusive acts of kindness and selflessness. They lived out the proverb “actions speak louder than words,” and I learned far more about how to live a life faithful to the teachings of Jesus by watching them than by listening to them. Words didn’t seem to be necessary.
            I left for college at 17, having led a pretty sheltered life. After several months, another friend on my hall and I were approached by our junior counselors and asked if we would be willing to room together, thereby allowing our respective roommates to share a room. As it turned out, Pat and Paula were lesbians, and Jenny and I were among the few people on the floor unaware of their relationship. I recall the snickers and whispers during that time and remember wondering why being a lesbian was such a bad thing. I was young and naive, and all I knew to do was to assure everyone that Pat was a very nice person. Looking back, that now seems a lame response at best—a mere step beyond silence, and I am ashamed.
            In 1994 our family participated in the World Methodist Council’s exchange program, living in England for the summer and serving three churches. We made many wonderful friends, among them a gay couple named Stuart and Derek. They were very active in their church, and from what we could tell, well received. However, after we returned home, they came for a visit the next year and shared with us that they had expressed interest in officially joining the church. They were turned down based on their sexual orientation. Carl and I were shocked and sympathetic—but as troubling as this continued to be for me, I still had no voice.
            In 2006 we were serving a church where the Director of Music Ministries had been on staff for 23 years and was dearly loved by all. That summer when he and his wife came to talk with us about his recent acceptance of his homosexuality and his need to come out to the congregation, I recall thinking that folks knew Steve so well that this would cause a little concern with a few people, but that generally it would be a non-issue. Naively, I was wrong.

During the year that followed, I found my voice.
            I deeply love the United Methodist Church, and my family’s life is intertwined with all the opportunities for service provided a clergy family. I am committed to helping us become a welcoming church that lives out our belief that God’s grace and love is extended to all God’s children. I am inspired and convinced by the words of Martin Luther King, Jr: “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends,” as well as those of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who said, “Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” My time of silence is over, and I pray that now is the time for United Methodists to act.

Ken Johnson: How My Mind Has Changed

While my parents contributed in important ways to my upbringing, my knowledge of “the birds and the bees” had to wait until a biology class at Davidson College gave me basic knowledge about human sexuality. I received almost no information about it in school or at home. Reluctantly, I must admit that when my college class viewed a film on childbirth, I fainted! I had much to learn.

 Schoolmates sometimes described fellows as “queer.” I learned later that “gay” is a term applied to homosexual men and “lesbian” a term applied to women. I also was under the impression that homosexuals were not only different but were afflicted with some kind of disease, until the American Psychiatric Association in 1973 declared it was not a mental disorder.

 Then came the debates about the cause of homosexuality. Did it result from some genetic strain, or did it come from one’s environment? After trying to educate myself on the subject, I came to the conclusion that just as I did not choose to be heterosexual, neither do homosexuals choose their identity.

 Do you remember the University of Massachusetts basketball guard Derrick Gordon? In early April, he became the first openly gay player in Division I of college basketball. Darryl, his twin brother on the team, was shocked at the news. Same family. Same father and mother, yet different in sexual orientation. Although two of our five children are left-handed and three are redheads, none of them chose to be that way; likewise, I think, Derrick Gordon had his sexual orientation from birth.

 The term homosexual is never mentioned in the Bible, yet one discovers different interpretations of human sexuality in it. Clearly, the practice of homosexuality is condemned in several passages, most notably in Leviticus and Romans. Any probe of these passages will explain why Christianity is so divided on the subject.

 In a nutshell, here is how my mind has changed: I now believe that the Bible’s label of “good” for all of God’s creation and Jesus’ teachings about God’s love for all people—including lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender children—trump everything else with regard to our sexuality. As my friends at a former parish in Winston-Salem are fond of saying, “All really does mean all.” Jesus did not discriminate, nor should we. His words to some ancient fishermen are the same words to us. Follow me . . . (Matthew 4:19).

Garland Young: My Journey--Turning to the Bible

Twenty-three years ago, we had just employed a new Minister of Music at our Church. He was a lifelong United Methodist. He was baptized in his home church, grew up in Sunday School, was confirmed, joined the Church, and was active in the youth program. He knew church music, was grounded in solid theology, and was a master musician. He was a graduate of one of our United Methodist colleges and had master’s and doctoral degrees from outstanding schools of music. He was active and well respected in our community.

After we added him to our staff, one of our members came to me and asked, “Did you know he is gay?” “We did not ask him that question,” I responded. ”It was not a part of our consideration of candidates.” Our conversation proceeded cordially, partially because we already had gay persons represented in our Christian education area, administrative board, and team of ushers.

Getting to this place in my thinking represented a rather long journey. It began in high school when my awareness of persons who were not “straight” or “regular” centered around Sam, who was spoken of only in derisive terms and at whom some students threw rocks. I had never heard of a girl who might not be “straight.” The terms lesbian and gay were unknown to me.  

In college my knowledge began to broaden. Ray and Brad (not their real names) were both pre-ministerial students and well liked. I had personal appreciation for their sincerity, commitment, and geniality. Both were pre-enrolled in Divinity Schools, and both were gay. Ray dropped his ministerial pursuits because some people convinced him that the church’s doors were not open to gay clergy. I don’t know how he dealt with the pain of the church closing the doors on his call to ordained ministry. I believe the church lost the ministerial services of a promising young man. Brad kept his sexual orientation quiet, finished divinity school, and served successfully in his annual conference until his death. Living a secret life for so long must have been terrible for him. 

Getting to know and appreciate persons of sexual orientation different from mine led to serious rethinking of my attitudes and beliefs. Actually, I came to realize that I did not have any beliefs about the issue, only attitudes mainly shaped by culture. Few people grew up more immersed in Sunday school, church, United Methodist Youth Fellowship and Student Movement than did I. I held leadership roles in all. I remember no teachings on homosexuality. Hence, I have problems with the phrase in our Social Creed that says we find the practice of homosexuality “incompatible with Christian teaching.” In my experience there was no teaching on the matter. There were, however, a lot of attitudes.

I had to turn to the Bible, where I made several discoveries. The first place I looked was the teachings of Jesus and the New Testament. Jesus says nothing about the issue. While that was not enough for me to conclude that Jesus condoned same-sex relationships, it was significant to me that he did not address it.

Paul did have some words to say about same-sex relationships. However, it seems to me that they were set either in the context of Paul’s condemnation of idolatry or were mentioned in the tone of profligate sex. He had nothing to say about two persons of the same sex living together in a covenant relationship. So Paul was of no real help to me in my search, nor was the rest of the New Testament.

I went to the Old Testament. There is not time or space to say much about passages that are found in Leviticus, Genesis, and Deuteronomy. They were not helpful either. They were too tied to either the culture of the day, idolatry, or other laws to which we are not about to adhere, such as killing any adulterer and killing any child who curses his parents. There was nothing relating to a covenant relationship.

Adam Hamilton, in his book Making Sense of the Bible, suggests that Scriptures fall into three categories:

1)      “. . . [T]he vast majority reflect the timeless love of God for human beings, i.e., ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself’.”

2)      Some passages “reflect God’s will in a particular time but not for all time,” i.e., much of the ritual law of the Old Testament.

3)      Some “. . . reflect the culture and historical circumstances in which they were written, but never reflected God’s timeless will,” i.e., verses related to slavery.

Biblical study, theological discussions with others, and personal friendships with persons who are gay, lesbian, and straight have guided me on my journey to acceptance of all into the full fellowship of those who follow Christ. We are an inclusive, not exclusive, fellowship. 

A First United Methodist Church Member: The Gift I've Been Given

As John Donne so famously said, no man is an island. We don’t exist in a vacuum, and when one identifies oneself as gay, it creates a circle of pain. When I finally recognized myself as gay, I knew that I was asking those closest to me, especially my family, to make big sacrifices in order to support me. I agonized seeing the ones I love hurting so much because of me.

Throughout this upheaval I prayed, and I felt uplifted by the sense that I was still in the palm of God’s hand. I was still loved. God was still in control and directing me. I felt guilt over the pain I was causing others, but I sensed God was forgiving me and working in my life and the lives of my loved ones. As I was finding and identifying myself as a homosexual person, I knew with certainty that this was not in itself a sin. I came to regard it as a gift. I did not know where this new road would take me, but I sensed it was where I belonged, that it was my destiny.

I deeply love my life partner. The Bible in the First Letter of John teaches that we love because God first loved us. God is love. Love is God manifested in human relationships. I believe when two people love each other deeply, spiritually, wholly, it is a love from God, of God, sanctified by God.

I often think with amazement at the genius of God the Creator and at the delight God must have expressed when he/she came up with another really great idea. Take rainbows, for example. Now who would ever have thought that up? Or fireflies? Or snow? I can imagine God the Creator chuckling and thinking, “The kids will really love this!”

Why is it so difficult for us to believe that a God who wants to make ten thousand different varieties of trees and millions of different species and is creative enough to want every snowflake different—that that God couldn’t create and bless more than one type of human sexual expression?

There is a popular saying, “God don’t make junk.” On a profound level, I believe that to be true. In Genesis, God declared all that God made to be good. That certainly includes all of God’s children.

It is we, not God, who label God’s children “deviant” and call them “queer.” Doesn’t it seem arrogant that we should so judge God’s creation? God’s own children? Are left-handed people deviant? Are short people deviant? What about blue-eyed people, are they deviant? People are brown and yellow and black and white and gay and straight and bisexual and transgendered. Are all of us not another expression of God’s love for uniqueness in his/her creatures?

 Loving and being loved is not a sin, it is a gift of grace. That gift is often provided to a man and a woman and sometimes also to persons of the same sex. We are very blessed if we find our soul mate. Our sexual orientation is part of our package. It is part of our uniqueness. I am happy with the gift I have been given.

Steve Berwager: Following the God of Love

Growing up as a Christian in a fundamentalist Bible church had its challenges, but growing up as a gay Christian in that same setting presented a whole new set of difficulties. Life as a child for me was no different from the so-called norm, but when I came to realize as a teenager that my affections were different from those of other boys my age, I was left searching for answers. I began reading, researching, and talking with professors and ministers. I didn't dare talk to my close friends for fear of losing a good friend or having to deal with rejection. I thought back over my childhood years and family experiences, looking for a cause or reason for me to feel the way I did. As I did so, coupled with my findings from conversations and information gleaned from research, I soon realized that it wasn't the result of any one experience, but rather it was who I was created to be. That realization left me with a peace within and the strength to go on living my life and pursuing my dreams.

I was fortunate growing up because I never had to deal with bullying, which is usually a major crisis for so many gay boys. You see, I was always a "jock" at my school and gave no indication of my sexuality. I didn't feel a need to tell others who I loved, though I was never ashamed to do so if asked. Other gays and lesbians I knew were not so fortunate, my partner included. Shortly after we met, he asked if I would worship with him. Although I felt worshipping together was important to making the relationship work, I warned him that in due time there would be problems within the church, which just happened to be Baptist. Well, it wasn't long before people started talking, after realizing we loved each other. Shortly thereafter, he was asked to quit the choir, and it wasn't long before he left the church altogether. My heart was saddened for him and for the church. People were too busy trying to play God instead of following his commandment to love others. 

There remains much misunderstanding in society about homosexuality, along with condemnation and rejection within the church, but the sure foundation I received as a child from my parents, Sunday school teachers, and ministers has allowed me to continue a life without guilt. Unlike so many others who left the church when they didn't feel accepted, I chose to remain because my love for the Lord was much stronger than any rejection I encountered. There were times when I was not allowed to share my talents in ministry (sing solos, teach Sunday school, lead in prayer), but I felt the support of 90 percent of the congregation. The narrow-mindedness of a few never caused me to lose faith. I've always felt it was their problem, not mine, and I didn't allow their attitudes and prejudices to negatively affect my faith. Those times never lasted long for me, because I found other ways and places to minister and share my talents.

I pray that the time will come when God's commandment to love our neighbors as ourselves will prevail within every congregation and denomination, and people of all sexual orientations will be welcomed and loved. Maybe if we would not neglect the first part of that commandment—to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind—the second part would not be so difficult. I am blessed to be part of a caring, nurturing, and reconciling church and community, and I pray that people of all sexual orientations will be as blessed and be allowed opportunities to share their talents within their churches and communities without fear of being rejected or ostracized. 

Helen King: It's Not About Sex

I would like to tell you a story. It is a true story. It is about love.

When our daughter came out to us in the summer between her junior and senior years in college, we more or less said, “We love you, but we don’t understand. And, hold that closet door for us, honey, ‘cause we are going in now.”

We were in that closet a good while, but all the time we were looking for answers. Like everyone else in our society, we had been conditioned to hear only “sex” when we heard “homosexual.” Through reading many books, our understanding grew, but very slowly. It was still just about sex.

We continued to support Julie, especially in all her sports endeavors (basketball, soccer, field hockey), but the strain of keeping our secret from family, friends, and church was very stressful and spilled over into our relationship with her. There was always the “elephant in the room” that we did not talk about.

She was in “a relationship,” as we called it, having met Lisa during her Semester at Sea trip for the spring semester of her junior year. Lisa, who was in graduate school, attended as many of Julie’s games as she could, but always sat on the opposite side of the gym or field from us since we had made it perfectly clear that we more or less blamed her and did not want to have anything to do with her.

At a basketball game at Guilford College, Julie sprained her ankle so badly that the coach suspected it was broken. EMS was called, and off we went to the emergency room, Lisa with Julie, and her dad and I following in our car—scared for Julie and furious that Lisa was “butting in” on this “family” emergency.

At the emergency room, Julie was taken to a room immediately while we sat in the small waiting room, facing Lisa who was trying her best to be invisible behind a magazine. We had yet to speak to her.

A nurse appeared and said Julie wanted us to come to her room. Only one person was allowed at a time, so I went to see her, and her dad remained in the waiting room.

When I entered the room, Julie was in tears, but I knew right away they were not because of ankle pain. She said, “Mom, I am glad you and Dad are here. It means a lot to me. But I want Lisa.” And in that moment I finally understood. I realized that if I had been in that bed, I would have been saying to my mom, “I want Bill.” I would have wanted that person I loved most in the world. The person who made me complete. And that is what I saw in Julie’s face, heard in her voice. Their relationship was not about sex, it was about love.

That moment changed my life forever. I went back to the waiting room and sent Lisa to be with Julie.

That was 22 years ago. Julie is still our beloved daughter, and Lisa is our beloved daughter-in-love. (Actually, she is now our daughter-in-law. Julie and Lisa were finally able to marry in October 2013. They live in Seattle, WA.)

Hardy and Sarah Tippett: A Traditional United Methodist Family

Yes, generations of born-and-bred Methodists! Therefore, when our daughters were born, we had them baptized and, later, confirmed to become, as the Baptismal Covenant states, “a member of Christ’s Holy church,” supported by the congregation pledging “to so order our lives after the example of Christ, that surrounded by steadfast love, you may be established in the faith and confirmed and strengthened in the way that leads to eternal life.”

We say yes to that covenant to recognize and accept our daughter Traci and other people like her as members of Christ’s Holy Church, also stating that we will so order our lives as set forth in the example of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, this very same radical Jesus who hung out with all manner of society, accepting, inviting, including all—not just those who had His skin color, were of His tribe, His race, His social standing, or His gender, but all those who met His expectations. He, being God, reached into the lives of all and anyone so that they could be led to Life Eternal.

Well, for years that went smoothly for Traci. All through her school years she was an outstanding leader both at school and her church. She was always the speaker for youth Sundays and participated in conference youth events. She continued her active involvement in whatever congregation we served.

In graduate school she underwent the arduous task and self-examination of her own unique personhood and came into a complete and full understanding of her sexual identity. It was arduous in that this is a psycho-social journey, and little did she know that she would enter into a spiritual wilderness due to the exile of non-acceptance by the church she had served, loved, and called the United Methodist Church. This denomination no longer stood by and upheld the very words of its own Baptismal Covenant that had been so generously and lovingly applied to her when she was considered a young heterosexual. Traci was no longer welcomed into the fullness of life and community in the UMC, which uses as its motto ”Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors”—but not to homosexuals like my daughter.

Being raised in the traditional church, she searched for a faith community and found acceptance and welcome in the Universalist Unitarian Church. After moving to New Mexico she felt a strong heart desire to return to the UMC and has tried to “fit into” several congregations, to no avail. She is in the process of adopting a very young foster child and wants very much to bring him up in a nurturing, welcoming church just as she experienced through her childhood.

As New Mexico does not have any UMC Reconciling Congregations, she has had to turn to the Episcopal church for this integration and support.

Christ’s Holy Church! Please tell Traci what is “holy” about not accepting people exactly as God created them to be and stand by her and wipe her tears when she is being judged by human standards and not God’s, for God Is Love! As it says in Romans 8:37-39, “nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Hear these words from “O Holy Night”: Truly He taught us to love one another, and in His name all oppression shall cease.

So who are we to cause this separation between ourselves and those who do not meet our preconceived standards?

These sons and daughters are watching our actions, and they are hoping to fully experience “open hearts and open minds” that offer “open doors” of inclusion and welcome to all of God’s children, regardless. . . .

And God is watching and waiting also. Watching and waiting for our daughter, Traci, a child of God, who is of sacred worth.

Lewis and Pat Poag: Love Trumps Custom

Our daughter was in college when she came out to us. It was the mid-80s, a time when news like hers was much less acceptable than it is today. (Thank goodness for the change.) We were pretty typical in our response: “There must be some mistake!” “You’re too young to really know what’s going on with your sexuality.” “It’s the influence of some of your sorority friends who’ve had bad experiences with guys.” “After all, you had boyfriends throughout high school. We remember how upset you were when Jim started checking out other girls.” “Wouldn’t it be a good idea to get some counseling about this?”

We were upset, but we never had any thoughts of rejecting our daughter. We did have fears about the impact that being gay might have on her vocational future. Luckily, she wasn’t experiencing a call to ministry in our denomination. But what about her interest in teaching? And of course, there were our selfish concerns: “What will others think?” “What about grandchildren?”

Following her graduation from college, our daughter moved to a big city with a large gay community. There she made many male and female friends and has had an active social life. Unlike some gay young people, she has not experienced problems in the workplace because of her sexual identity. She even found a United Methodist Church that openly welcomed members with different sexual identities and helped her feel at home. We know that in a smaller place this scenario might have turned out very differently, but we are thankful that her life has not been hampered by prejudicial attitudes and unkind behavior.

Although we did not struggle with loving and accepting our daughter, we did struggle with our understanding of the nature of homosexuality. Was it a “choice” as some would have us believe? Our daughter set us straight on this one very quickly: “Do you think I would choose to live with all the complications and potential problems of being gay?” Nope, we guessed not.

What about the commonly held belief we both grew up with, that it was morally wrong to be gay and that the Bible supports that belief? We have found biblical studies that point out that the few verses of scripture condemning homosexuality reflect mores that evolved over many years of biblical history. Among them we Christians pick and choose those we wish to endorse and those we wish to ignore. A few of them we still accept by outlawing such acts as rape and incest. On the other hand, we reject other behaviors that were permitted in the Bible such as prostitution and polygamy (Solomon’s 700 wives and 300 concubines), slavery, and the treatment of women as property. Then there are all those statutes concerning the Sabbath and the many rules about food and cleanliness that we pay no attention to.

It has become obvious to us that the customs and rules of biblical times are not necessarily valid guides for Christian ethical decisions. It is Jesus’ love commandment that should guide us. It is his love ethic that should be used to filter decisions about any and all behaviors. For him, God’s love trumped human customs. Thus he defended his disciples when they were judged for breaking some Sabbath laws, but spoke against divorce, which Jewish law allowed.

Today our thinking about the issues surrounding homosexuality reflects what we believe Jesus’ witness tells us: that we are to love God and neighbor as well as ourselves. Does this mean that anything goes? Of course not. Jesus lived and taught the kind of love that led him to a cross. It has led disciples of the past and present to suffer for the sake of love. Think of those who stood up against slavery, racial segregation, apartheid, or for women’s and children’s rights. The truth is that Jesus never mentioned homosexuality, but he did apply the love of God to untouchable lepers, outcast Samaritans, convicted thieves, guilty adulterers, despised tax collectors, and many more. We can’t imagine his response to our gay daughter reflecting anything other than the love of God. 

Doug Wingeier: Leaders Lost To The Church

Let’s call her Ramona. She was a second-year student at the seminary where I was teaching—bright, attractive, straight-A student, well-organized, outgoing and friendly, manager of the campus bookstore, outstanding reports from her field education supervisor. She had all the gifts and graces for effective pastoral ministry. One day she came into my office and confided that she was facing a tough decision. Her interview was coming up with her Board of Ordained Ministry where she would be considered for ordination. Should she be honest and tell them she was lesbian? Or keep silent, trust the “don’t ask, don’t tell” practice of the Board, sacrifice her integrity, and proceed with the ordination process? Her call to ordained ministry was deep and strong. But so was her desire to be true to herself and open with the Board—and all the world. After a time of sharing, tears, and prayer, she left my office with the decision still unmade.

Later, it became known that she had leveled with the Board and given up the hope of ordination. She would finish seminary, then pursue other career options. Her call had been squelched, and her gifts and graces lost to the United Methodist Church because of its policy of refusing ordination to homosexuals.

Twenty years later I met a woman at a United Methodist General Conference, a member of the Reconciling Parents Network, whose daughter was also a lesbian. She told me that Ramona was her daughter’s partner of some years, and that Ramona had done well in another profession. Her call to ministry had persisted, however, and she had now decided to resign her position and seek ordination in another denomination. Thank God, Ramona’s gifts and graces for ministry could now be expressed and utilized by God and the church—sad to say, however, not the United Methodist Church.

During my 27 years of seminary teaching, I encountered variations of Ramona’s story any number of times. How many qualified, competent, dedicated leaders we have lost! Not only pastors like Ramona but laity as well. I grieve for these young people. I grieve for the church. I believe God is grieving, too. I want to translate this grief into action by helping to change church policy and practice so that all who are called to love and serve Christ may be welcomed, blessed, and equipped to do so.

Jim and Ruth Hoyt: Apology Due

Parents of homosexual children are often in conflict with the teaching of their church. In some cases this causes serious problems within the family. But most of these families realize the church is wrong and ignore their church and go on with healthy, loving relationships with their children. But even for these families, sometimes the United Methodist Church refuses to be ignored and causes deep hurt to its members.

Here are two examples, one from our lives and one hypothetical.

Our third son is gay. Ricky was baptized in the UMC, attended Sunday school most Sundays, joined a confirmation class, joined the church, was a member of the Methodist Youth Fellowship, and in his mid-20s felt the call to the ministry. He attended Claremont Seminary and was selected by the faculty and his fellow students to give the senior address at his graduation. However, in his first real encounter with the homophobic nature of his church, the seminary refused to let him speak, saying they could not let a gay man give that address. Becoming a minister in the UMC was out of the question, and today Rick is the senior minister at the large Unitarian Universalist Church in downtown Los Angles. Our church has lost a wonderful minister.

A hypothetical situation, but one that will happen more and more in the future is this. A young man or woman has the same background as Ricky but attends a state university, joins the Wesley Foundation, falls in love and obtains from the state a license to marry, only to find their home church will not allow them to be married there. Neither their home church pastor nor the Wesley Foundation director will marry them.

We have no doubts that in a few years the leaders of the UMC will, as they did to our African-American members, apologize for their unchristian teachings. It needs to come soon. 

Carl Johnson: A Church Grows Stronger

The primary reason for my involvement with Reconciling Conversations is that I was personally invited to participate. As is true with most things in life, however, the more fully explained reason is more complex.

There are two facets that formed my perspective. Since my early young adult days, I have had close friends who were gay and lesbian. Neither did I consider them any different, nor did I care for them any less, than I did my straight friends. They were simply my friends.

The more formative situation—the one that forced my hand at making a conscious decision and publicly taking a stand—began eight years ago, in July of 2006. While I was serving as senior minister of a church in Asheville, the Director of Music Ministries, who had been employed by that congregation for over 20 years, asked if he and his wife could come by the parsonage on a Sunday afternoon. As they sat on the couch holding hands, they shared with me that he was gay. A gentle, kind, and very devout man, Steve had known for some time, but finally accepted that he could not live a truly fulfilled—and faithful—life if he continued to hide such an important part of who he is.

He also shared with me that he would like to make his proclamation publicly. We had several more conversations before deciding that the next step should be to share his decision to come out with the Chair of the Staff Parish Relations Committee and then with the full committee.

The process that evolved over the next year was complex, but I have never been more proud of a community of faith! Simply put, after many meetings and much conversation, both the Staff Parish Relations Committee and the Administrative Council unanimously and publicly supported Steve and expressed their strong commitment to his continuing his professional role at the church. They did so knowing that there would be repercussions, and as it happened, a significant number of families did leave the church, and the church budget took a big hit. But the church defined itself as being faithful to the teachings of Christ and proclaimed itself as a congregation where “all people are welcome.”

While the church struggled in the first years, I believed then, and it is now proving to be true, that the church would grow stronger over time and that it would find itself being much more faithful to the Gospel of Christ.

Betsy Hardin: A Heart Broken

One of the most gifted and effective ministers I have been privileged to know was an amazing lady I’ll call “Jane.” With a heart for the poor and the heart of a pastor, Jane found her true calling and her true self in her role as servant/pastor. Having grown up in a loving family and having been actively involved in her neighborhood United Methodist Church from an early age, Jane answered a strong calling to enter the path of ordained ministry after the completion of college and seminary.

After serving as pastor in several different settings, Jane found herself appointed to a “dying” church in a changing neighborhood. Under her vibrant leadership, the church experienced rebirth. As attendance began to grow, Jane spear-headed the effort to start a community garden next to the church parking lot. This garden soon evolved into a farmer’s market that served the entire community—one of the first church/community gardens anywhere.

People from the community began showing up to help in the garden and ended up becoming members of the church. I witnessed this transformation and marveled at the change and growth I saw in the lives of the individual members of the church and community.

About the time when things were going really well for the church, Jane came to my husband and me to share her complete sorrow and devastation that she felt she could no longer continue to do what she loved best—serve as pastor to her beloved congregation. Her huge loving heart was broken because she could not be true to her calling as an ordained clergyperson in the United Methodist Church and at the same time be true to her God-given identity as a lesbian. This beautiful, creative, articulate, bright, fun-loving, spirit-filled person is no longer serving as a church pastor. The United Methodist Church has lost one of its best and brightest ministers.

Unfortunately, this is not just Jane’s story. This story has been repeated over and over. Enough is enough. This discrimination cannot continue. To me, it goes against all that Jesus came to teach. I want to be part of a United Methodist Church that truly welcomes all of God’s children.

Carol Wingeier: His Very Own Church

Neddy grew up in a small town in Georgia. He started Sunday school at age two. He and all his friends attended the confirmation class. Then the exciting day arrived, and they were all confirmed in a wonderful worship service. He was now a full member of his church—where he grew up, his community.

As the years went by, Neddy began to notice that he was not like the other boys. He did not care about girls as they did. His interests were in art and music.

In college Ned regularly attended the local United Methodist Church and was active in the Wesley Foundation. When he talked to the pastor about joining, however, he was told that he would not be allowed to join. Ned asked him why, and the pastor told him that he would not accept gays as members. Ned was devastated; his very own church would not accept him.

When he was told about the rule that was passed at General Conference about gays, he decided to attend the next General Conference, which was meeting in a neighboring state. He wanted to join with others to try to change the rule that kept him from joining the very church he belonged to and had grown up in.

I was seated near him at one session and saw Ned collapse in tears after a vote failed to pass a proposal to change the hateful rule.

How long will Ned, and many others like him, be kept out of our church? How sad that one of our own children was not allowed to be a member! As a mother myself, I wonder how his mother feels. Can we continue to belong to a church that does not accept some of our own children? What would Jesus say about Ned being rejected so heartlessly?

 Will the public find our church acceptable in the future? I fear not.

Pat Dean: Reconciling: Time to Come to the Table

Where do you start a story when you are not even sure where it started?  Probably with Allan, who called me Mother, even though he was older than me. Allan was a member of our United Methodist Church in the Chicago area, he had no close relatives, and we adopted him for holiday dinners and cookouts. We had suspected he was gay, but he “officially” came out to us during Disciple Bible Study. We recognized the anguish and pain he had felt through the years and what a relief it was for him to talk to someone about it. He had literally led a double life through his years in the military and his career in a government job. He was a strong Christian, choir member, Sunday School teacher, and only wanted to be accepted for what he was.

Our Illinois Conference at the time was encouraging all churches to use the study on homosexuality that had been published by the UMC. Our cluster used the study, and we met people from nearby churches on both sides of the issue. Again, we were told about pain and struggles. It was an education for all people in the study and encouraged everyone to be open to conversation rather than debate about the topic of homosexuality.

Then in July of 1996,  a letter (which I have kept for 18 years) came from my college roommate and her husband, a Professor of Medicine at Indiana University School of Medicine, about their daughter being a lesbian. They talked about their involvement in the Reconciling Congregations Program and listening to stories of parents and the hateful prejudices they had encountered. Their struggles and the struggles of their large Indianapolis church really gave me an awareness that this issue was broader than Allan in our small church. It was an issue for the UMC at large, and it would take strong people to support it.

What would I do? In my heart I supported full inclusion in the church for homosexuals, not disenfranchisement, and equality in all legal issues, but who do you say this to? I didn’t know, so I was usually silent. We have an opportunity now for conversation, not silence,  in our church, and I believe it is time for it to come to the table.

Margaret Burson: The Wedding

     When our son John told us last November that he and Ken, his partner for 37 years, planned to be married in April, it surprised us. As a result of some legal steps they wanted to take, their attorney advised them that it would be so much easier if they were married! The idea of placing such a meaningful seal on their commitment to each other began to take shape.
     Through the years that John and Ken have been together, we have met many of their friends.  Their community is important to them. They are active in their church where John sings in the choir and Ken ushers. They have built a multimillion-dollar business. They have a happy life together.
     Certainly a wedding could not take place in Florida where they live. They shose the City of New York and the Episcopal Church of Saint Mary the Virgin. Our other two children and their families would attend, as well as Ken's son and his family (except for one son who is a student at Appalachian). Russell and I would attend by Skype (yikes!). (We had several rehearsals and, to our amazement, it worked!) We even managed to "host" the dinner the evening before the ceremony for our families and others in town to attend the wedding.
     We invited two dear friends to "come to the wedding" at our home. They have known John most of his life, and it meant so much to all of use to have them here. We told them they needed to look nice from the waist up and that they couldn't talk during the ceremony. About 10 AM the morning of the ceremony, Four Seasons delivered a corsage for the mother of the groom and a boutonniere for his father.
     The ceremony was lovely. John and Ken looked so classy in their tuxedos. Each member from both of the families who was present had some part in the ceremony. The entire ceremony was written out--vows, liturgy, scripture, etc. John had sent us copies, and we could follow along and read and respond with them.
     When the ceremony was over and the pictures were being taken, we had a brief "reception" at our house, with sparkling grape juice and nibbles, using our wedding china and my mother's antique glasses.
     Later in the afternoon, Russell and I reflected on the entire celebration--the two families enjoying being together, each of them participating in the ceremony in some way, our own happiness that this marriage has taken place, this affirmation that there is a lifelong commitment on the part of our son to another. We pray that God will continue to richly bless this union. Do we believe that He will? Yes! Amen.